Thursday, May 7, 2009

I know I said I wouldn't, but I lied

Okay, I've read the Query Ninja's suggestions (it's no coincidence that Query sort of rhymes with Carrie) and, once I was done genuflecting in awe, I rewrote The Taste of Magic's query again. And I really, really promise this is the last time I'll post it! Really! Not a lie this time!

I don't know if it's getting any better. I'm so bad at this, and I've sweated over it so long now, that I feel like I'm just stringing words together at random at this point. At least I'm down to just two names now.

Analefa Miradwen is being pulled in different directions by people she's not sure she can trust.

After a vampire mage tries to abduct Ana, she finds out that her blood enhances a mage's spells. Vincent Ondarr, the king's enforcer, thinks he knows why: her mother was a werepanther, and the shape-shifting magic Ana should have been born with is instead concentrated in her blood.

Ana's never told anyone about her parentage and she's furious with Vincent for prying into her secrets. When Ana meets a group of amateur mages agitating for half-breed rights, she offers to help them--even if it means offering them her blood as well.

But the vampire mage is still after Ana, and he seems to have a connection with the half-breed rights group. And while Vincent wants to keep Ana locked in the Tower of Justice for her own safety, his interest in her goes beyond simple protection. If she's going to survive, Ana needs to decide who's really on her side.


Aaron Polson said...

I say amp up the verbage and use "torn" instead of "pulled". Or some other super-verb. Otherwise, these are getting better. ;)

Queries are hard, hard work.

K.C. Shaw said...

Thanks! Once I'm happy with what I've said, I'll go in and fix how I said it. :)

Carrie Harris said...

For me, this was a much clearer way of communicating what the book is about rather than what happens in it, and I think that's the hardest part of writing queries! I think you may deserve some preemptive ice cream consumption.

I agree with Aaron that a little massaging of the verbage might be in order, but otherwise I think this is great work. Maybe a hint as to why Ana feels so strongly about the half-breed issue, particularly since she's not known to be one in most circles? She's not experiencing the prejudice firsthand, is she? Not sure that's essential, but you've got me curious now. And that's a good thing.

I promise to shut up now. ;)

K.C. Shaw said...

Thanks for stopping by and looking at the new version! I've already started to tweak it to make it a little stronger and clearer. I feel a lot better about this version than any of the earlier ones; it feels like a much better description of the book.

Thanks again for all your help!

Jeremy D Brooks said...

I'm so bad about giving advice...I'll just hide behind Carrie and say "yeah, what she said!"

K.C. Shaw said...

Lol, that works too!

Cate Gardner said...

I'm just going to nod and say, 'yes, I'd have said what Carrie said.' I'm lying, but there you go.

I thought this new version read much cleaner, less busy. Excellent.

Jamie Eyberg said...

I am so dreading this part of writing a book. Maybe that is why I have written three and have never sent one to be looked at.

K.C. Shaw said...

Cate--I'm glad it's better; the more I mess with it, the worse it seems.

Jamie--When you're to the query part, I recommend you contact the Query Ninja for her advice. :)